Disobedience

I know. I don't write in here enough. There are reasons. It's hard for me. My last blog, way back in May, brought on me crying myself to sleep. I can go to sleep just fine without crying, so why go through all of that? If you have read any of the previous posts, then you know that this is a part of my healing and something that I felt the Lord was nudging me to do. If you know me very well, I DO NOT open up well to others.  So, having a blog were anyone can read my all of my heartaches and weaknesses is very intimidating to me.  My new goal is to write in my blog once a week. Someone hold me to that!


I am in the woman's bible study at my church and we just started a new study on James. This morning I was rereading the first part of the book (James 1:1-11) and these verses stood out to me:


 ¹James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, 
To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: 
Greetings. ²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. ⁶But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.


James opens the book by identifying himself as a servant of the Lord. To me, being a servant means you do what your master asks of you without complaining and with a smile on your face, therefore respecting their master. One of the biggest things I learned at camp last year was my resistance to rules. If you tell me to do something, I  usually do the opposite.  Even from a young age, I pushed limits and boundaries.  When I was 2 or 3 my dad drew a line on our driveway with sidewalk chalk and said "Megan, you can ride your bike out here, but you cannot cross this line." I said "humph" and walked over to the line and put my big toe on the other side! This pattern has continued my whole life. So anyone or anything that attempts to control me usually gets my wrath, or the rolling of my eyes, or my anger.  For a long time now I view the Lord as controlling and using circumstances to get me where He wants me. Ok, I know I have been closer to the Lord because of hardships in my life, but I still feel controlled and struggle with the lies Satan tells me.  Recently I have been falling into old habits. Just last night I was talking to a good friend and we were discussing my stepmom's bike accident which has left her a quadriplegic. She asked me if I just sat and wondered why, and I do. I don't understand why the Lord chose to put her in this situation, why He chose to put my dad through another marriage where someone depends on him a lot. Why they can't just go out for a bike ride through the mountains and why the last few years of my mom's life were spent mostly in bed. My response to the Lord is, "well, if that's what you are going to do, then why should I respect you? How do you expect me to be a servant? I don't care that you did these great things for me, they don't outweigh all of the hurt you have caused my family. Once you respect me, I will respect you." And that goes to prove that if you want to control me, I will go down kicking and screaming. I like fairness and some part of me feels that if I can show the Lord of the universe that He isn't treating me the way I want to be treated, then I won't give Him the respect and honor He deserves. Deep down, I know the truth is that I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve to have good relationships with anyone, food, clothing, a place to live, etc. But out of His grace and mercy He shows me everyday that He loves me, and most of the time I reject His love because I want more. I want Him to bring my mom back and heal Susan (my stepmom). I want Him to give my dad a normal life.  How can I ever be a servant like James with this kind of attitude?


And as far as the next few verses of James go, I don't know how to be joyful during times of trials and suffering. It's hard for me to see what there is to be happy about. And honestly, almost every phone call I get from my family I assume is some announcement of a death or accident or cancer. I am just constantly waiting for something to go bad again. For the past 12 years of my life something has always been wrong. So it's really hard for me to see that being joyful is the right path and that through all of this I will learn perseverance and patience??? Just bring back my mom and it will be ok. I will be patient :) 


Looks like James will be a great book to study. I already feel a little crack in my outer shell; a few tears slipped through.  If you think about it, please pray that I can learn to be a servant like James and that my family and I will learn that being joyful through our suffering is what the Lord calls us to do. 

Mother's Day

I used to love Mother's Day. We would wake up really early and make mom breakfast in bed. We would go all out! Pancakes, bacon, biscuits, fruit, coffee, and fresh flowers! We would have a special lunch and make her homemade cards and usually buy some sort of gift. Now, I don't have a mom. I wish tomorrow wouldn't come. I know that there are plenty of mom's who should be celebrated. I have several ladies in my life that I want to celebrate tomorrow. But, I don't have a mom. I don't want to celebrate, and I don't want to see everyone with their mom being happy. I know that's really mean, and I hate it, but every time I see a mother and daughter, I feel so sad because I can't have that anymore. Hopefully one day I will have a daughter, but it still won't be the same. I just miss my mom and wish that everyone could have their mom around for Mother's Day. I know that just because mine isn't here, I can't be a debbie downer, so that's why I am blogging about it. For weeks it has been a count down to this dreaded day, so I glad it will be over in 24 hours.


On a happy note, Josh (my littlest brother) is here visiting! My dad is in Virgina with his wife Susan, and Aaron (our other brother) is celebrating his girlfriend's graduation from college, so that left Josh and I alone on this most glorious weekend, so he came down! We had a wonderful day today, but wish Aaron could have been here too. Tomorrow I am going to wake up early and make pancakes and bacon for the two of us. We will sit outside, eat our breakfast, and share stories of our mom. I am excited that even though she isn't here, we can still celebrate her. So Happy Mother's Day to all mothers!

Emotionless

I have several things I want to blog about. For those of you that have requested more blogs, I promise I think of them. I actually do want to blog, but I know it always ends with me crying and bringing up things I don't want to think about. On the other hand, it's good for me to blog because I do bring up things that I need to deal with. This is a good way for me to cope. It forces me to come out from behind the dense wall I use for my protection. I have come a really long way, but recently I feel myself slipping back into my old habits. Last year, I did an internship at a Young Life camp and I learned so much about the Lord and my relationship with him, myself, others, and how to deal with losing my mom and coping with my crazy life. Alot of what pushed me through that year of hell was the community I was in. I don't have a good community here like I did last year, so no one keeps me accountable for my way of coping.


Back when my mom was first diagnosed with cancer, everyone came rushing to our sides with lots of advice. I was the oldest and constantly got this "advice" "Be strong! Be strong for your family, your dad, brothers, and mom! They need you!" Whoever thinks that is good advice, should be slapped. I was 11. I didn't know any better, so what do you think I did? I became strong. I became what I thought my family needed. Someone who didn't get upset every time she saw her mom lifeless on the couch, half dead from chemo. Someone who didn't cry and run to her mom when EVERY test result came back with bad news. Someone who just lived her life as though everything was perfect. Someone who was strong. To be really honest, I don't remember much from middle school. I remember being hurt by friends. I remember a few youth group trips. But I don't remember much from my mom being sick. I tried so hard to keep everything in and not be bothered that I apparently forgot most of it. The things I do remember are dark, literally. Chemo has come a really long way from when my mom was given her first round till now. Even the last time my mom had a chemo treatment, it was completely different than the first. She had an amazing doctor that stayed way far ahead of most oncologists. He tried surgeries and treatments with her that had not been passed by the FDA. She was actually in some educational videos for training doctors on the new surgery. Anyways, her doctor told her before her first treatment that they were going to give her as much chemo as they could without killing her. And oh did they do this. This is the dark part. I just remember her being so sick that EVERY light in the house had to be off. My dad had to hang blankets on the windows and doors so no light at all could come in. We had to be really quiet and she couldn't really respond or talk to us. Just sitting here, writing all of that, I was thinking, 'goodness! how could a little girl go home to that every day and then go back to school the next and be able to function.' All I know is that I did it. I pushed everything down so far and built up the biggest wall, nothing phased me. I never cried, I never clinged to my mom or my dad, I never showed anything to anyone. I don't even think my friends really knew what was going on at my house. I was so fake on the outside, just being my bubbly self, but so hurt on the inside that I was emotionless.

Memories

February 25th marked two years since my mom passed away. It was a surreal day. I can't believe that I have actually survived without a mom for two whole years. How did I do anything? I had some big life changes in those two years. I graduated from college, moved two states away to work at a Young Life camp, I had some of the hardest times in my life at that camp, I was a bridesmaid in 3 different weddings, I packed up and moved to a new city all alone, I got a new job, my dad got remarried, then I got another job, then my dad's wife was in a horrible accident, then all the holidays rolled around again. Yay....see. How did I do all of that without a mom? Guess the Lord can get us through anything :) Anyways, last year (the one year anniversary of my mom's death) my family and I just kinda wanted to be together. We didn't do much though. But this year I planned a big dinner (with all of my mom's favorites things) with my family and we ate and then told our favorite memories of her.

We had cornish hens, which we used to have every time we went to the beach when I was little. And this was hilarious because they look just like a baby turkey. So you have a whole bird on your plate (minus the head :) ). Josh and Bri'Anna were both like um, excuse me, what is this? What do you do with it? You want me to eat this? HAHA. Super funny. And then we had twice baked potatoes, the bread that they serve at OutBack, and fresh corn on the cob. Incredible dinner. For dessert, we had plain NY Style cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. Amazing....

After dinner we shared some memories. Since there was alot shared, I will just share mine. When I was maybe 5, we went to the beach. (Side note: I LOVE the beach. We used to spend basically all summer at the beach. Now we go for about 2 weeks a summer. My mom LOVED Jimmy Buffet and therefore passed on the love to me, also making me a Parrot Head.) Ok, so we are at the beach, and go to an amusement type place with go carts. I thought I was so cool because I could drive one all alone. I go around the track and they put up the last lap sign. After that lap everyone pulls into the station, but I decide I am not done, so I keep going around the track. The guy comes out to stop me, but I almost run him over so he jumps out of the way. Well, my mom, angered now, comes onto the track to stop me herself, but I am a determined little girl so instead of stopping, I just run over her foot :) Hahahaha, I eventually stop and pull into the station. We have this picture of my mom and I on a bench. Her foot is propped up and she is pouting. Her white Keds tennis shoe has a huge black tire mark across it, the shoe houses a few broken toes, and then I am on the other side laughing with my shoulders shrugged and my hands thrown up in the air. Priceless :)

My other favorite memory: You need backstory. So since I love Jimmy Buffet so much, I began to love Kenny Chesney too. Kenny and Jimmy have some similar styles. Mainly, they both LOVE the beach, just like me! Well, the summer after my sophomore year of college my friend Pierina and I go to see Kenny for the second time together. This was after the song "When the Sun Goes Down" was popular. Well, Kenny had Uncle Kracker as a special guest come out in the middle of the song and sing with him. It was really exciting! So meanwhile, my family is all at the beach so I call my mom after we leave to tell her how great the concert was. She doesn't seem that interested, but then, I say and then Uncle Kracker came out and sang with Kenny! She perks up, freaks out, and starts screaming "I can't believe you saw Uncle Kracker! OMG! He is so awesome! I love Uncle Kracker! Oh my! That sounds like the best concert ever!" Hahahaha...I was like what is wrong with you? You have NEVER talked about Uncle Kracker before and besides, he only has that one song out about swimming through your veins like a fish in the sea. It was super funny. I don't know why she got so excited about him, but she did. Ok, so a year later, Pierina and I, die hard Kenny fans, decide to go to another Kenny concert. Before the tickets go on sale, my mom's best friend Delane (who also LOVES Kenny) says she wants to go and tries to talk my mom into going with her. Suddendly, my mom remembers that Uncle Kracker was on his last tour, so surely he will be on this one too. My mom says "Heck yes I"ll go with you!" But, she is NOT going to see Kenny or Sugarland (who opened), but Uncle Kracker. Over $80 to hopefully see Uncle Kracker....haha. We try to tell her that he probably won't be there again. But to her, it was so worth the possibility. April rolls around and it's time for the big concert. This was after my mom's first brain tumor, so she was not in the best health, which makes this story all the better. All four of us go to the concert. We don't have seats together. It's me and Pierina, and then Delane and my mom. Well, I REALLY don't think that Uncle Kracker will be there, but pray that he will be, just to make my mom happy. "When the Sun Goes Down" comes on, and off to the right of the stage this big man appears and starts singing. It is none other than Uncle Kraker :) I cried. And I am crying now writing this. It's just the little things in life. It made my mom so happy and she kept saying "I just knew he would be there! See! I told you guys!" If only she was around to hear Uncle Krackers 3rd single in like 15 years, Smile. Haha, he's such a great artist ;)

Mercy

So, I have not written in awhile, but with reason. When I started this blog, I wanted it to be something that the Lord used. So I have debated over the past several weeks since my last post about what to write. I also got a little freaked out because the last post was more emotional. I haven't shared that with many people, and I felt vulnerable. Where should I go from there? I want to tell you the rest of the story, and I will, but most of it I blocked out because it was horrible. I want to tell you about all of the emotional problems I have and how the Lord is teaching me to over come them. There are several roads I wanted to take with my next post, but as I prayed about what to write, nothing came to mind. Then the other day on the way to church I was listening to Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors song, Mercy. I was overwhelmed with God's goodness, grace, and mercy. I felt that this is what I am suppose to share in this post. First, you have to hear/read the song :)


I was hollow and closed, in the morning I could not see. Your beloved goodness rained itself out on me. I raged against You like a river on a stone, but against that tidal wave, I am overthrown.

mercy, mercy, mercy.

well i was lost in the worldly and leaning on myself. i played that religion card; i put Jesus on a shelf. born into darkness i kept putting off the grace. oh yeah, thinking my own goodness could get me through heaven's gates.

i beg You to come and take away all my ancient fears. this bloodied history we all cling on to so dear. all around me was a blinded fantasy. the truth in the mirror of a foul vanity.

You walk upon heaven, You walked upon the earth. You brought and bought salvation; for me, a second birth. You took my broken cross up to cavalry. You sang my redemption song, hanging on my tree.

SIDE NOTE: Drew and Ellie Holcomb are awesome! I met them at Sharp Top this past year when I was there. (They play a lot at Young Life camps.) I really love their music because it is inspiring and you can truly see their hearts in it. You should check them out! Drew and Ellie Holcomb

The first verse of the song talks about being hollow and closed. Well there you go, welcome to my life. I have been so emotionally closed you can't even begin to imagine. Living a double life with God doesn't work out. So eventually the emotionless life I was living merged into my relationship with the Lord. I became a very surface deep Christian. The harder I fought God, the more He poured His goodness on me. I did some really stupid things in high school and college, but God had His hand right there with me, protecting me. I thought that (and still do sometimes) because my mom was sick God owed me some fun. If my life is that bad, I deserve something. I fought/fight Him just as much as a river can beat a stone, but I never win. He always comes in and overthrows me.

Mercy-not getting what you deserve. I can't tell you how many times when I have been raging against the Lord that I should have been struck down with some bolt of lighting, but I am not. I should be severely punished for every sin I have committed, but I am not.

Grace-getting what you don't deserve

Second verse. In high school and college I went to church, youth group, Young Life, Campaigners, and led others in these various things, but really, I was just playing my Jesus card. I would go home and curse God for the hell He imposed on my life. I would tell Him to F* off because if this is how He loved me, I didn't want love. What kind of love makes your mom sick for 11 years? Still to this day, I can't say that I quite understand God's grace. After all that I say and do to Him, He still wants to sweep me off my feet and hug me. He wants me to run to Him. What? But really, if you want me to run to You, why do you feel the need to kill my mom? That doesn't make me want to run to you, but run from you. Not love in my book. (This is a typical emotional swing in my life...I get really excited about how awesome it is that I can just run home like the Prodigal son, but then I shut down emotionally because I am so scared of being hurt again.)

Third verse. That is what I am still learning now. Maybe I will do a later post on this. I want to be able to let go of my past. I am finally able to look back and see some good from my bloodied past. But I know better than God, so I quite frequently tell Him how He could have done it better. (See, still waiting for that lighting bolt ;) ) I don't really know better than God, as you might have figured out by now, but I do act like it alot.

The bridge. My most favorite. I can't tell you how many times I have listened to this song and I am so overcome by emotions at this point. Jesus, fully God, fully man, came down to this earth, bought my salvation with his blood, I am covered in His grace. Wow. The part that always gets me is that He hung on my tree. MY TREE. I have heard this a thousand times, but something about the way it is said in this song gives me chills. All of the times I have cursed God, questioned Him, blatantly sinned against Him, made everything else an idol; none of it matters. Grace. Mercy. He hung there just for me. Just for you. I want to tell you what a horrible person I am and how I don't deserve this, but you don't either. No one does. He just loves us that much. I can't comprehend that. If you cussed me out as much as I cuss God out, I really wouldn't hang on a tree for you, I probably wouldn't even stub my toe for you.

This song sums up a lot of the big questions and issues I have been through in the past 12 years. I hope it doesn't seem scattered, and I really want to challenge you to think about all of the mercy and grace the Lord has given you. It amazes me every time :)

The Day My Life Changed

At the start of my 7th grade year (1998) I noticed a few awkward things. One day, my mom was driving me and my brothers somewhere and she was talking on the phone to one of her best friends. We pulled over at our church parking lot. She was saying something to her friend about being nervous about the results and how it didn't hurt. When she got off the phone, I asked her what was wrong and what she was talking about, but she just smiled and said "oh, I just had an appointment, that's all." Weird, I didn't really believe her, but I didn't push it. A few days later my mom was acting strange. She wouldn't let us use the phone or get on the Internet (dial up :) ) because she was expecting a phone call. She waited all day long and somewhere in the late afternoon the phone rang. My mom answered and said "this is her." That was all she said, and that was all I heard before I hit the floor at the bottom of the stairs. It felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I somehow managed to pull myself up the stairs as I sobbed uncontrollably. I went and sat in a chair by the window in our office. Somehow I pieced her strange converstaion with her friend and the much anticipated phone call together and deduced that she had breast cancer. Weird, I know. I don't know how I knew. Maybe I really heard other converstaions along the way that I wasn't suppose to and then blocked them out. But for whatever reason, I knew my mom was sick before she even told me. I can't describe that feeling. I just remember feeling incredibly alone. After a good half hour or so, I decided that there was no use in crying; besides, I didn't REALLY know anything. So I picked myself up, and went downstairs to my bedroom, purposefully avoiding my mom. A few minutes went by and then there was a knock at my door. My heart dropped. She came in, asked why my eyes were red and of course I said I didn't know but that I hadn't been crying. My mom sat on the end of my bed and told me everything. That there was a lump in her breast and that the doctor wanted to cut off the whole breast so that she would have the best chance of getting rid of the cancer. After she recovered from surgery, the doctor wanted her to start chemo.

Looking back, this represents a very key moment in my emotional life. As soon as my mom began telling me, something in my body and mind just shut off. How do you handle that at 11? I became completly detached from my emotions. My mom told me about her cancer before she told anyone. I felt special because of this, but still so confused and out of my body. My brothers were in the next room playing. I remember being upset that they were happy while I had just received a huge blow to my heart. My mom wanted me to help tell the boys with her and my dad after dinner. She wanted me to be there for them. This only added to my now detaching emotions. After dinner, my parents broke the news to my little brothers. I remember sitting there with them, but I don't remember how they responded. Aaron was only 9 and Josh was 5. I remember thinking that I needed to be there for them and my family. I needed to be strong. From there on out, that is what I did. For a little bit of time I felt hurt and sad on the inside, but I NEVER showed it to anyone. Soon that just turned into not feeling anything at all. If I ever did feel something, I could suppress it better than anyone.

My Life

I feel like I have alot to share because I have been blessed with a unique life. At some point I would like to write a book, so I decided to start collecting my thoughts in a blog. Please forgive my lack of literary skills and my bluntness. I want to share what God has done in my life, taught me, and I want to give advice to others who are going through traumatic situations and for those people surrounding the ones going through the trauma. Over the course of my life I have been given a lot of advice, some good, some great, some bad, and some HORRIBLE. I want to share all of this with you. I think that the best way to share all of this, is to tell you my story from the beginning. (If you are a former STC intern reading this, you should be proud because I am volunteering this info! What a huge difference from a year ago! Thanks for all of your help in getting me to this place in my life.)

I have named my blog The Red Sea because I am obsessed with the Old Testament. :) As I was reading through the OT last year, I was fascinated with the Exodus. Exodus 13: 18 says "So God led the people around the desert road toward the Red Sea..." Did anyone else catch that? God led them there. He promised to resuce them from their slavery and take them to this Promised Land. As soon as they leave, the Egyptians follow them and they end up in front of the HUGE Red Sea. There it is. No way around it. It's there. God put them there. What do they do? Whine, complain, say they would be better off left to die in Egypt than in the wilderness. Moses stands up before them and says "Don't be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never been seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." (Ex. 14:13-14 NLT) And the Lord did just that. He commanded Moses to raise his staff over the sea, when Moses did as the Lord said, the waters parted and the Israelites walked across on dry land!

You probably already know this story, but have you ever really considered it? This is my life. I feel like God says "Megan, I want to save you, I love you. Just follow me." So, I pick up my things and follow Him, only to be brought to these Red Seas that I just don't see why He brought me here or how He can get me through it. I start whinning and complaining and I tell God that I was better off when I was making the calls. I tell Him that He doesn't know what He's doing, and that whatever His plan is, well, it's just plain stupid. Then, He looks at me, smiles, and parts the Red Seas. In all of them, He is glorified, even through my disobedience and stubborness. I cross on dry land in total amasement, but just like the Israelites, I quickly forget the glory and splendor of what He has done. I follow Him to another Red Sea just to start the same cycle over again.

I feel like it would be a shame not to share all of this. Next I will start from the beginning and share all of my Red Seas with you. Hope you enjoy!