Disobedience

I know. I don't write in here enough. There are reasons. It's hard for me. My last blog, way back in May, brought on me crying myself to sleep. I can go to sleep just fine without crying, so why go through all of that? If you have read any of the previous posts, then you know that this is a part of my healing and something that I felt the Lord was nudging me to do. If you know me very well, I DO NOT open up well to others.  So, having a blog were anyone can read my all of my heartaches and weaknesses is very intimidating to me.  My new goal is to write in my blog once a week. Someone hold me to that!


I am in the woman's bible study at my church and we just started a new study on James. This morning I was rereading the first part of the book (James 1:1-11) and these verses stood out to me:


 ¹James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, 
To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: 
Greetings. ²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. ⁶But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.


James opens the book by identifying himself as a servant of the Lord. To me, being a servant means you do what your master asks of you without complaining and with a smile on your face, therefore respecting their master. One of the biggest things I learned at camp last year was my resistance to rules. If you tell me to do something, I  usually do the opposite.  Even from a young age, I pushed limits and boundaries.  When I was 2 or 3 my dad drew a line on our driveway with sidewalk chalk and said "Megan, you can ride your bike out here, but you cannot cross this line." I said "humph" and walked over to the line and put my big toe on the other side! This pattern has continued my whole life. So anyone or anything that attempts to control me usually gets my wrath, or the rolling of my eyes, or my anger.  For a long time now I view the Lord as controlling and using circumstances to get me where He wants me. Ok, I know I have been closer to the Lord because of hardships in my life, but I still feel controlled and struggle with the lies Satan tells me.  Recently I have been falling into old habits. Just last night I was talking to a good friend and we were discussing my stepmom's bike accident which has left her a quadriplegic. She asked me if I just sat and wondered why, and I do. I don't understand why the Lord chose to put her in this situation, why He chose to put my dad through another marriage where someone depends on him a lot. Why they can't just go out for a bike ride through the mountains and why the last few years of my mom's life were spent mostly in bed. My response to the Lord is, "well, if that's what you are going to do, then why should I respect you? How do you expect me to be a servant? I don't care that you did these great things for me, they don't outweigh all of the hurt you have caused my family. Once you respect me, I will respect you." And that goes to prove that if you want to control me, I will go down kicking and screaming. I like fairness and some part of me feels that if I can show the Lord of the universe that He isn't treating me the way I want to be treated, then I won't give Him the respect and honor He deserves. Deep down, I know the truth is that I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve to have good relationships with anyone, food, clothing, a place to live, etc. But out of His grace and mercy He shows me everyday that He loves me, and most of the time I reject His love because I want more. I want Him to bring my mom back and heal Susan (my stepmom). I want Him to give my dad a normal life.  How can I ever be a servant like James with this kind of attitude?


And as far as the next few verses of James go, I don't know how to be joyful during times of trials and suffering. It's hard for me to see what there is to be happy about. And honestly, almost every phone call I get from my family I assume is some announcement of a death or accident or cancer. I am just constantly waiting for something to go bad again. For the past 12 years of my life something has always been wrong. So it's really hard for me to see that being joyful is the right path and that through all of this I will learn perseverance and patience??? Just bring back my mom and it will be ok. I will be patient :) 


Looks like James will be a great book to study. I already feel a little crack in my outer shell; a few tears slipped through.  If you think about it, please pray that I can learn to be a servant like James and that my family and I will learn that being joyful through our suffering is what the Lord calls us to do.