Mercy

So, I have not written in awhile, but with reason. When I started this blog, I wanted it to be something that the Lord used. So I have debated over the past several weeks since my last post about what to write. I also got a little freaked out because the last post was more emotional. I haven't shared that with many people, and I felt vulnerable. Where should I go from there? I want to tell you the rest of the story, and I will, but most of it I blocked out because it was horrible. I want to tell you about all of the emotional problems I have and how the Lord is teaching me to over come them. There are several roads I wanted to take with my next post, but as I prayed about what to write, nothing came to mind. Then the other day on the way to church I was listening to Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors song, Mercy. I was overwhelmed with God's goodness, grace, and mercy. I felt that this is what I am suppose to share in this post. First, you have to hear/read the song :)


I was hollow and closed, in the morning I could not see. Your beloved goodness rained itself out on me. I raged against You like a river on a stone, but against that tidal wave, I am overthrown.

mercy, mercy, mercy.

well i was lost in the worldly and leaning on myself. i played that religion card; i put Jesus on a shelf. born into darkness i kept putting off the grace. oh yeah, thinking my own goodness could get me through heaven's gates.

i beg You to come and take away all my ancient fears. this bloodied history we all cling on to so dear. all around me was a blinded fantasy. the truth in the mirror of a foul vanity.

You walk upon heaven, You walked upon the earth. You brought and bought salvation; for me, a second birth. You took my broken cross up to cavalry. You sang my redemption song, hanging on my tree.

SIDE NOTE: Drew and Ellie Holcomb are awesome! I met them at Sharp Top this past year when I was there. (They play a lot at Young Life camps.) I really love their music because it is inspiring and you can truly see their hearts in it. You should check them out! Drew and Ellie Holcomb

The first verse of the song talks about being hollow and closed. Well there you go, welcome to my life. I have been so emotionally closed you can't even begin to imagine. Living a double life with God doesn't work out. So eventually the emotionless life I was living merged into my relationship with the Lord. I became a very surface deep Christian. The harder I fought God, the more He poured His goodness on me. I did some really stupid things in high school and college, but God had His hand right there with me, protecting me. I thought that (and still do sometimes) because my mom was sick God owed me some fun. If my life is that bad, I deserve something. I fought/fight Him just as much as a river can beat a stone, but I never win. He always comes in and overthrows me.

Mercy-not getting what you deserve. I can't tell you how many times when I have been raging against the Lord that I should have been struck down with some bolt of lighting, but I am not. I should be severely punished for every sin I have committed, but I am not.

Grace-getting what you don't deserve

Second verse. In high school and college I went to church, youth group, Young Life, Campaigners, and led others in these various things, but really, I was just playing my Jesus card. I would go home and curse God for the hell He imposed on my life. I would tell Him to F* off because if this is how He loved me, I didn't want love. What kind of love makes your mom sick for 11 years? Still to this day, I can't say that I quite understand God's grace. After all that I say and do to Him, He still wants to sweep me off my feet and hug me. He wants me to run to Him. What? But really, if you want me to run to You, why do you feel the need to kill my mom? That doesn't make me want to run to you, but run from you. Not love in my book. (This is a typical emotional swing in my life...I get really excited about how awesome it is that I can just run home like the Prodigal son, but then I shut down emotionally because I am so scared of being hurt again.)

Third verse. That is what I am still learning now. Maybe I will do a later post on this. I want to be able to let go of my past. I am finally able to look back and see some good from my bloodied past. But I know better than God, so I quite frequently tell Him how He could have done it better. (See, still waiting for that lighting bolt ;) ) I don't really know better than God, as you might have figured out by now, but I do act like it alot.

The bridge. My most favorite. I can't tell you how many times I have listened to this song and I am so overcome by emotions at this point. Jesus, fully God, fully man, came down to this earth, bought my salvation with his blood, I am covered in His grace. Wow. The part that always gets me is that He hung on my tree. MY TREE. I have heard this a thousand times, but something about the way it is said in this song gives me chills. All of the times I have cursed God, questioned Him, blatantly sinned against Him, made everything else an idol; none of it matters. Grace. Mercy. He hung there just for me. Just for you. I want to tell you what a horrible person I am and how I don't deserve this, but you don't either. No one does. He just loves us that much. I can't comprehend that. If you cussed me out as much as I cuss God out, I really wouldn't hang on a tree for you, I probably wouldn't even stub my toe for you.

This song sums up a lot of the big questions and issues I have been through in the past 12 years. I hope it doesn't seem scattered, and I really want to challenge you to think about all of the mercy and grace the Lord has given you. It amazes me every time :)

The Day My Life Changed

At the start of my 7th grade year (1998) I noticed a few awkward things. One day, my mom was driving me and my brothers somewhere and she was talking on the phone to one of her best friends. We pulled over at our church parking lot. She was saying something to her friend about being nervous about the results and how it didn't hurt. When she got off the phone, I asked her what was wrong and what she was talking about, but she just smiled and said "oh, I just had an appointment, that's all." Weird, I didn't really believe her, but I didn't push it. A few days later my mom was acting strange. She wouldn't let us use the phone or get on the Internet (dial up :) ) because she was expecting a phone call. She waited all day long and somewhere in the late afternoon the phone rang. My mom answered and said "this is her." That was all she said, and that was all I heard before I hit the floor at the bottom of the stairs. It felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I somehow managed to pull myself up the stairs as I sobbed uncontrollably. I went and sat in a chair by the window in our office. Somehow I pieced her strange converstaion with her friend and the much anticipated phone call together and deduced that she had breast cancer. Weird, I know. I don't know how I knew. Maybe I really heard other converstaions along the way that I wasn't suppose to and then blocked them out. But for whatever reason, I knew my mom was sick before she even told me. I can't describe that feeling. I just remember feeling incredibly alone. After a good half hour or so, I decided that there was no use in crying; besides, I didn't REALLY know anything. So I picked myself up, and went downstairs to my bedroom, purposefully avoiding my mom. A few minutes went by and then there was a knock at my door. My heart dropped. She came in, asked why my eyes were red and of course I said I didn't know but that I hadn't been crying. My mom sat on the end of my bed and told me everything. That there was a lump in her breast and that the doctor wanted to cut off the whole breast so that she would have the best chance of getting rid of the cancer. After she recovered from surgery, the doctor wanted her to start chemo.

Looking back, this represents a very key moment in my emotional life. As soon as my mom began telling me, something in my body and mind just shut off. How do you handle that at 11? I became completly detached from my emotions. My mom told me about her cancer before she told anyone. I felt special because of this, but still so confused and out of my body. My brothers were in the next room playing. I remember being upset that they were happy while I had just received a huge blow to my heart. My mom wanted me to help tell the boys with her and my dad after dinner. She wanted me to be there for them. This only added to my now detaching emotions. After dinner, my parents broke the news to my little brothers. I remember sitting there with them, but I don't remember how they responded. Aaron was only 9 and Josh was 5. I remember thinking that I needed to be there for them and my family. I needed to be strong. From there on out, that is what I did. For a little bit of time I felt hurt and sad on the inside, but I NEVER showed it to anyone. Soon that just turned into not feeling anything at all. If I ever did feel something, I could suppress it better than anyone.