The Day My Life Changed

At the start of my 7th grade year (1998) I noticed a few awkward things. One day, my mom was driving me and my brothers somewhere and she was talking on the phone to one of her best friends. We pulled over at our church parking lot. She was saying something to her friend about being nervous about the results and how it didn't hurt. When she got off the phone, I asked her what was wrong and what she was talking about, but she just smiled and said "oh, I just had an appointment, that's all." Weird, I didn't really believe her, but I didn't push it. A few days later my mom was acting strange. She wouldn't let us use the phone or get on the Internet (dial up :) ) because she was expecting a phone call. She waited all day long and somewhere in the late afternoon the phone rang. My mom answered and said "this is her." That was all she said, and that was all I heard before I hit the floor at the bottom of the stairs. It felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I somehow managed to pull myself up the stairs as I sobbed uncontrollably. I went and sat in a chair by the window in our office. Somehow I pieced her strange converstaion with her friend and the much anticipated phone call together and deduced that she had breast cancer. Weird, I know. I don't know how I knew. Maybe I really heard other converstaions along the way that I wasn't suppose to and then blocked them out. But for whatever reason, I knew my mom was sick before she even told me. I can't describe that feeling. I just remember feeling incredibly alone. After a good half hour or so, I decided that there was no use in crying; besides, I didn't REALLY know anything. So I picked myself up, and went downstairs to my bedroom, purposefully avoiding my mom. A few minutes went by and then there was a knock at my door. My heart dropped. She came in, asked why my eyes were red and of course I said I didn't know but that I hadn't been crying. My mom sat on the end of my bed and told me everything. That there was a lump in her breast and that the doctor wanted to cut off the whole breast so that she would have the best chance of getting rid of the cancer. After she recovered from surgery, the doctor wanted her to start chemo.

Looking back, this represents a very key moment in my emotional life. As soon as my mom began telling me, something in my body and mind just shut off. How do you handle that at 11? I became completly detached from my emotions. My mom told me about her cancer before she told anyone. I felt special because of this, but still so confused and out of my body. My brothers were in the next room playing. I remember being upset that they were happy while I had just received a huge blow to my heart. My mom wanted me to help tell the boys with her and my dad after dinner. She wanted me to be there for them. This only added to my now detaching emotions. After dinner, my parents broke the news to my little brothers. I remember sitting there with them, but I don't remember how they responded. Aaron was only 9 and Josh was 5. I remember thinking that I needed to be there for them and my family. I needed to be strong. From there on out, that is what I did. For a little bit of time I felt hurt and sad on the inside, but I NEVER showed it to anyone. Soon that just turned into not feeling anything at all. If I ever did feel something, I could suppress it better than anyone.